Todays thoughts

So I hope people reading this are looking for someone or something to relate to in regards to depression, eating issues and life in general because I know that’s what I have started looking for. Even though I have been through many times when I feel like I’m the only person in the world who feels like this or who is like this I do understand that I’m not special in that way. I always smile when I hear that thought in my head because you would think that someone with low self-worth would be looking for something to make them special but in fact realising that we are just human and there is billions of us in the world humbles me. It makes me realise that even though I am just 1 person in such a huge world that firstly there is enough space for me and I deserve to be around just as much as every other human on this planet.

Certainly, this train of thought does not constantly run through my mind. Just tonight I became so self-absorbed with my negative thoughts that I was overwhelmed and couldn’t help but cry. It is a constant pattern I need to break when I start feeling good about myself and feeling like I’m makeing progress. I start by being ok with talking about what I’m eating an writing everything down even when I have foods that I usually don’t have that aren’t the best for me. Then I start having these foods more often and not telling Sam about it but still writing it down telling myself that I’m still recognising that I’m having these foods even if I’m not telling Sam and just avoiding the disappointment I think he is feeling. Then I stop writing it down and just keep eating what I want. Generally it’s something on top of the food that triggers me like a stressful day at work or in today’s case the disappointment I felt when I found out that I wouldn’t actually be able to see my Dad before he flew out of Brisbane. I think the sadness I felt was amplified because I had been lying to Sam and I couldn’t keep my feelings in check and Sam could tell something was wrong on top of me just telling him I was tired and sad because of my Dad. That boy is sometimes too perceptive; I can’t bloody hide anything from him for too long. Anyway all he needs to do is call me on my lying and eating and I start feeling so angry and defensive which then turns into sadness and tears. My first thoughts are around being spiteful towards Sam and trying to ask why he cares so much and I wish he would just leave me alone. I also get so angry because he is more focused on the lying where I’m more focused around the food. He says things like “if I can’t trust you to tell me what your eating that how can I trust that you won’t cheat on me?” To me, cheating on Sam is incomprehensible because I know how hurt he would be and I could never do that to him however what I eat I seem to take as only my business and isn’t the same as lying about sleeping with someone else. I can’t really pinpoint why I think like this and I get the fact that me lying to him about this is detrimental to me getting over my overeating issues however I don’t see it on the same level as lying about anything else. This is generally the point where I start crying because I just think about how much he must be hating me right now if he thinks I could cheat on him… and then I start going into the negative thoughts about how pathetic I must be to not be able to just talk about it. I can’t even say why I lied because there is no excuse. Everything say is just an excuse to feel better about eating something I shouldn’t have. The thing is, I’ve learned that there shouldn’t be any foods that I shouldn’t have. I should be able to tell Sam everything I ate because I have nothing to feel guilty about. I just have to recognise that if I’m going to eat crap constantly there is consequences. I’m not just saying that to make myself feel guilty it’s something that I need to be ok with and realise that eating crap every now and then probably won’t make me a big heffa it’s the every day habits that fuck you up.

Anyway the point of this story is that I’m still broken and that I want to fix myself and until I can accept the fact that I probably will never be completely fixed I will continue to go through these cycles of emotions and negative thoughts. I should never let myself become completely oblivious to food because that is a massive sign that I am making excuses to myself to feel better and not taking responsibility for what I’m doing. I’m glad that Sam is around to pull me back into reality but I always hate it how it takes him saying he doesn’t want to put up with my lying anymore to make me snap out of it. Yes, I initially get angry when he says these kinds of things because I think he is making ultimatums and then sad because I think that this is last time and he is going to leave me. I want to do this for us as well as myself but then I get sad if I think I’m doing it just for him. Ugh being in my head gets confusing…

Well I have many more a thought to write but that’s enough venting and word vomiting for tonight.

Have a nice night/day people.