being happy

So I made it 12 days which is pretty amazing... it was a struggle to start and had a couple of sketchy starts. I followed my plan for like 4 days initially, then I had a little bit extra then what was on my plan, then I had 5 days or so before i fell off the plan again. And now, I had an awesome streak where I went 12 days on the plan and making a concious effort to be happy and calm. But today I had to deal with some stuff at work that I was avoiding because it was kind of put in the too hard basket. So my silly brain reverted back to it's old habit of eating mindlessly when I'm nervous or stressed. And it' all about the first compulsive bite that I took this morning that led me down the self destructive path of compulsively eating. I think I need to keep the OA pamphlet, "before you take the first compulsive bite..." handy at all times. It goes through a number of ways to prevent the first compulsive bite which I know all about when I'm in a sane state of mind, but once the anxiety takes over I need someone to slap me and snap me out of it.

The OA pamphlet has the following points to help me out and possibly help out some other people,


When confronted with the urge to eat compulsively, we find it helpful to consider the following points before taking that first compulsive bite.

1. Look beyond the initial pleasure of eating to the inevitable feelings of physical discomfort, self-recrimination and hopelessness. Many OA members refer to this practice as “thinking the bite through.” 

2. Be grateful that you have found OA and no longer need to use food to solve your problems.

3. Don’t be surprised by a desire to eat compulsively. Even after being abstinent for a period of time, you may find that your overactive imagination tempts you with sudden impulses to restrict or eat compulsively, feeling you will be free from the inevitable destructive consequences. 

As disturbing as these cravings and feelings are, you do not have to act on them.

4. Always remember: each time you face a situation without restricting, purging or compulsive overeating, you strengthen your spiritual connection to your Higher Power, making the next challenge easier. 

5. Regardless of how upset you are, or how intense the desire to eat may be, you can take specific actions to offset an inappropriate desire for food, such as praying, calling an OA friend or writing about it.

6. Avoid self-pity! You may never be able to eat like a “normal” person. However, by following the OA program you can learn a way of living that addresses your shortcomings and helps you become the person you were meant to be.

7. Don’t dwell on any real or imagined pleasure you once got from certain foods. “Change the channel!”



8. Don’t believe the lie that food will make a bad situation better or easier to live with. Compulsively over- or undereating your way through a bad situation only creates more problems; remaining abstinent helps you think clearly and remain “in the solution.”

9. Remember all the people you’ve met in program who are helping you stay abstinent.

10. Seek out ways to help other compulsive eaters. Remember, the first and best way you can help others is to be abstinent yourself. “Those of us who live this program don’t simply carry the message; we are the message” (The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 106).

11. Remember that 
- each abstinent day brings with it honesty, integrity and accountability;
- each abstinent day is a gift worth going to any length to experience; and
- a decision to be abstinent today will enable you to overcome fears of not getting enough food, attention or love.

12. Cultivate a helpful association of ideas:
- Abstinence leads to being happy, joyous and free; taking that first compulsive bite brings back shame and remorse. 
- Abstinence leads to self-respect and peace of mind; taking that first compulsive bite activates the disease, leading to cravings and food obsession.

13. Cultivate gratitude that
- refraining from one small bite can dramatically change your outlook on life;
- you are no longer alone—you have found OA and a Fellowship of people who truly understand and want to help you;
- you have an illness, not a moral shortcoming, and your disease can be arrested one day at a time, simply by not taking that first compulsive bite; 
- abstaining from compulsive overeating can help reverse the devastating effects of this disease on mind, body and spirit; and
- you no longer need to use food for comfort; in time, you will learn to accept life on life’s terms without the need to chase food for pleasure.

14. Think again and again about the joyful aspects of abstinence, such as the return of balance to mind and body; the growing sense of appreciation and gratitude for even the smallest aspects of a new life; and the ability to face life’s challenges with peace of mind, self-respect and an open heart.

15. Remind yourself that when your heart is heavy, your resistance is low or your mind is troubled and confused, you will find comfort in the Fellowship of Overeaters Anonymous.

It sounds so foreign when I say it but I feel like this was definitely a form of self harm. When I was younger I went through quite a dark phase where I considered suicide and would cut myself and today it kind of felt like I was back there however in not such a brutal way. I had already eaten myself past the point of being full and yet was still considering going to buy a packet of cookies. I know for a fact that it wouldn't have been to enjoy the taste because I was so full that I was in pain but somehow the thought of doing this was still appealing to me.  I do know I tried to do the first point today but it really didn't help as it wasn't the pleasure I was looking for, it was more of an escape...

So my plan of action for next time this happens, and I can feel it coming on... (deep down I think I knew I was going to do it yesterday because I was already starting to feel sad and sorry for myself as well as "reading" peoples minds...) I will give myself a break from what I'm doing and go through these points, one by one.

Me and Sam have also decided I should have a treat day once I've stuck to my plan for a while however it's going to be at his discretion so as to stop me thinking about it and planning... I like that idea because pat of me will feel like I'm being spoilt but a little part of me keeps telling me that I'll never be god enough so we'll never go to dinner or have desert. Which scares me because I will then start thinking, What's the use? But of course that's just my crazy mind *ucking with my shi*

Alrighty, I'm falling asleep as usual so I'm out

insanity of it all

I don't have much to say as I'm a little bit intoxicated but I just wanted to comment on the insanity of this bloody issue I'm having

It is ridiculous that one week (last weekend) I can have such freaking issues with being around food at a party that I have to leave an tonight when I'm happy saying no to things without giving it a second thought. It does make me think that my habits and thought patterns do cycle around my hormones and all that fun stuff. But it also lulls me into a false sense of security which I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to feel just yet. I don't want to push myself i know i need to feel sane for a month before i can properly start to think about what is the difference between me acting on hormones and me letting the food take over... I've used it as an excuse one to many times. I'm not going down that path again.

boo hiss

I didn’t stop myself again. I never believe it will affect me the next day even though it keeps happening again and again. All I’m trying to do is make it 2 weeks now without straying from my food plan and people leave freaking tim tams in the kitchen! How is it that I can’t possibly just say to myself you know what you don’t need those tim tams let other people enjoy them. Maybe I should really try to think of it that way because if there’s something I hate more than my compulsive eating it’s hurting someone else.

I don’t know how to explain to sam that I am trying because he gets so disappointed and looks at me like I’m an idiot because I can’t just not do it. I know I can I just have to not be around I for a while and I can get back into saying no but right now I feel drawn to the food. I had such a good feeling about today, and I know I went wrong when I let myself have some freaking cheese that wasn’t on my list. And to top it all off even though I am full and my belt is feeling incredibly tight, I’ve started imagining eating bowls of muesli. Seriously how did I not think I was a bloody weirdo when I was doing this before I came to my realisation. I would plan my binges and get giddy and excited to go home past the woollies and pick up packets of cookies and cake. I have to admit I can’t imagine being able to finish a frozen cheesecake anymore or massive pieces of mud cake and ice cream and part of me is a little sad about it. If that is not an insane thought I don’t know what is.

I’m so worried about what he’s going to say and as soon as I do it I wish I could take it back, for about 5 minutes then I’m pretty much running to the kitchen to get another one. I am not feeling bad about myself when I’m doing it but I’m definitely doing it to hide from stress and anxiety. It has made me so unproductive today because I can’t think straight or keep my mind off food. I was hoping writing this would help get it out of my system or at least give me something to look back on so I can see how I’m feeling when I’m right in the food. My head feels like dizzy or high or something and I’m actually shaking and I just want to sleep. Maybe I’m coming down from the sugar.

I was trying to think about what led me to binge on Tuesday night and I think it might have had something to do with me making a shit tasting pumpkin soup. I know didn’t really care about it but I still felt like a failure because I can’t cook, granted I didn’t follow a recipe but I guess this is just another one of those times where I wanted to just be good at something without even trying. I don’t know why that to me feels like more of an accomplishment if you are naturally good at something then if you try really hard. I guess anyone can try to do something but the way I’ve always seen it is if you are naturally good at something you are more special. Today, I’m trying to see what triggered me to eat the food, I think it was just the fact that it was free that I wanted it. I act like I’ll never eat this food again, like I’m worried that I’ll never have the opportunity again to get a free bloody tim tam. They are $2 freaking dollars. Maybe I should try only eating things that I buy, not eating anything anyone offers me ever. That probably would work because generally people offer unhealthy food.

So So So not happy with myself and the way I acted today, and to top it off it didn’t help me concentrate, it didn’t help me get my work done. It just distracted me from doing what was actually necessary because I was finding it hard. Now I’ve set myself up to disappoint people and I’m going into a massive depressive circle. I don’t want to tell Sam I’m sad about it because he doesn’t think I’m doing anything about it. I am trying but theres no way to convince him because I keep fucking up. I don’t know what to do. I want to go home and sleep but he’ll be there and I’ll feel even worse. I hate this.

Day 9 of food plan

I feel like I have two brains or people living in my head sometimes. When I'm my sane and rational self eating good is easy, it makes me feel good and I can easily say no to myself when I start to crave food that isn't on my plan for the day. However, once the emotional, agitated irrational girl takes over (commonly when I'm hungover) I feel like I will not feel better until I eat or taste this particular thing.

In the last 24 hours I went through 2 types of straying from my meal plan. Last night, I made a pumpkin soup which in all honestly was terrible however in my mind I had to eat it even though I had told my boyfriend that if it is uneatable then I would just have some canned soup to stay in line with my plan. So I had this bowl of gross soup with toast which I decided needed butter on it to make the soup taste better and then I started feeling this craving like I didn't like that taste, I need something to take over from it. So I began looking in the fridge for any leftovers or things that could get rid of the taste, I tried, ham, a handful of dry wheat pasta, left over lamb shank sauce (so bad to eat by itself), back to the dry pasta, mustard (straight from the jar) and then settled on some old left over mash potato which once again needed to be covered in butter to make it good. followed by another handful of dry pasta. I'm trying to figure out what brought this on as I had left work early an Sam hadn't said anything stressful about going out with the girls but I was alone. Looking back I did wait particularly for Sam to go have dinner with some of his friends just to be alone while I ate, and I am sure that if I had said please just wait with me a minute while I eat so I eat in front of him or ask Jen to come earlier/ ask Sam to leave later this craving would not have taken control of me.

I think I as slightly stressed from wok because I had left early and hadn't finished everything I had wanted.  Next time that happens I aim to focus on why I'm feeling like this and move on and accept that the feeling won't last forever and eating does not solve any probably.

The second slip happened today when I had a smoothie with my breakfast even though it was not on my food. I think this was due to guilt for the previous nights slip in addition to tiredness.hungover add and  being with some girlfriends...

Sunday blues

I'm feeling a little down today and I'm not to sure why. I've been doing freaking awesome at my eating plan although over this weekend I got a little self absorbed and cranky that I couldn't get involved in some food at a birthday party I went to last night. I came home early because I just wasn't in the mood for trying with new people that I didn't know. It did feel like I was doing it to isolate myself but luckily I was able to have a shower and brush my teeth and get straight into bed without bypassing the kitchen cupboard for a binge.

Um so yeah no idea what is up my ass, it could also be the thought of going to work next week and the feeling like I need to do work today so that I can handle the week. But at the same time fighting it because I want to enjoy this little time I have away from work.

Just writing that makes me think that is definitely it so I'm going to turn  my work computer off and enjoy my Sunday afternoon.

Feeling better already.

Plan of attack

I know it is not a logical way of thinking but sometimes I get so frustrated with my boyfriends attempts to help me gt better with my eating purely because I don't want him to be constantly right... and he knows it... It is possibly in my head but I swear every time I get on my high horse about how I'm going to try and make myself better and he doesn't agree with it and I eventually fail he's thinking I told you so. 

Don't get me wrong he is the most supportive person in my life and I love him for it in the moments where I'm not consumed by the want to binge and overeat. At those points I am so resentful which is no way to live. 

Anyway the point of this is that on the weekend I was trying to get him to say that me eating what I want is a good idea because for some reason I was convinced that I have control and that if I let myself eat things on certain occasions and don't be so restrictive it might help with the lying and binging because I wouldn't be embarrassed for failing another "diet." Well he wasn't having a bar of it. And after an hour or so of me being against everything he said I finally gave in to doing what he thinks I should do for a full month with no lapses and then we can try going for a treat together where I can try having what I want (not a truckload of it though).

The Plan

So what we decided I had to do was write out exactly what I was going to eat in advance at least 2 weeks ahead of time and stick to it. Everyday I honestly eat only what is on my plan I put a red cross through the day on a calendar that we have on our fridge. If I screw up on a day I need to start the month again until I can do it. My eating plan is basically 3 meals a day and 1 snack a day if I want. 

First Day

I made it through the first day without even having my snack although  this was partly due to being in meetings all day so I didn't have time to eat, however I have to admit seeing the big red cross on the first day is pretty motivating.

Second Day

This morning I had my planned breakfast but as soon as my boyfriend mentioned he was going for a walk my mind started wondering to the food I was going to have when he was gone. Not a major binge but just the extra slice of toast but that would definitely be the first compulsive bite so when he asked if I wanted to go with, I jumped at the chance to get out of the house an stay within his sight. I admit I think I was still hungry after breakfast but I think I really need to try this eating plan to get a good understanding of when I'm actually hungry and when my body is just tricking me.  After my week of binging and falling off the wagon I think it is a good idea to eat a little less and feel a bit hungry to shrink my stomach back to a normal size. Also I have been having issues with acne lately so hopefully getting my diet back into check will help because I know it definitely can't hurt. I love it how I can write this now but on Sunday, I was so against it because I really didn't want to stop eating what I wanted.  

I'm going to keep this blog up to document my progress because I want this to work and I need all the support I can get. Even if no one is actually reading this, putting it out to the world does make me feel that little bit more accountable. No blaming others any more its up to me to change my habits :)

Starting over

I overate this morning. My planned bowl of muesli with yoghurt and strawberries turned into 3... I fucking hate that I don't have the control. Yesterday me and my boyfriend had a massive intense talk about all this and  I was so motivated to prove that I can control myself because I want to be normal so badly.

I decided that today I was going to do it I was going to not lose control so that I can show that I am able to. The chat yesterday started because I wanted Sam to leave me alone and stop worrying about my food because I honestly thought thats why I have been lying. I thought it was because I didn't want to disapoint him, but logically if I didn't want to disapoint him so much I wouldn't eat the fucking food. After this morning though, I'm so scared to tell him because I don't want him to get frusterated because we only just had our big chat. I overate because he was still asleep so I knew there was no way he would be getting up to find me and if he did I thought he would just assume it was my first. I really really need to top relying on him to make me stop eating. 

I somehow convinced myself this morning that I was still hungry through the fact that I didn't feel full therefore I should be able to eat until I feel it in my tummy. Now that I"ve done it I feel sick and want to purge not because I feel too guilty but just because there is too much food in my belly.

Fuck I need help and I really need to stop denying that I'm powerless over food and that my life has become unmanageable.

I'm going to look after myself for the rest of today and make the right choices. I'll be with friends that know about my food issues so that will make my decisions a hell of a lot easier and I'm going to an OA meeting tonight. 

I need this recovery, I'm over this.