Plan of attack

I know it is not a logical way of thinking but sometimes I get so frustrated with my boyfriends attempts to help me gt better with my eating purely because I don't want him to be constantly right... and he knows it... It is possibly in my head but I swear every time I get on my high horse about how I'm going to try and make myself better and he doesn't agree with it and I eventually fail he's thinking I told you so. 

Don't get me wrong he is the most supportive person in my life and I love him for it in the moments where I'm not consumed by the want to binge and overeat. At those points I am so resentful which is no way to live. 

Anyway the point of this is that on the weekend I was trying to get him to say that me eating what I want is a good idea because for some reason I was convinced that I have control and that if I let myself eat things on certain occasions and don't be so restrictive it might help with the lying and binging because I wouldn't be embarrassed for failing another "diet." Well he wasn't having a bar of it. And after an hour or so of me being against everything he said I finally gave in to doing what he thinks I should do for a full month with no lapses and then we can try going for a treat together where I can try having what I want (not a truckload of it though).

The Plan

So what we decided I had to do was write out exactly what I was going to eat in advance at least 2 weeks ahead of time and stick to it. Everyday I honestly eat only what is on my plan I put a red cross through the day on a calendar that we have on our fridge. If I screw up on a day I need to start the month again until I can do it. My eating plan is basically 3 meals a day and 1 snack a day if I want. 

First Day

I made it through the first day without even having my snack although  this was partly due to being in meetings all day so I didn't have time to eat, however I have to admit seeing the big red cross on the first day is pretty motivating.

Second Day

This morning I had my planned breakfast but as soon as my boyfriend mentioned he was going for a walk my mind started wondering to the food I was going to have when he was gone. Not a major binge but just the extra slice of toast but that would definitely be the first compulsive bite so when he asked if I wanted to go with, I jumped at the chance to get out of the house an stay within his sight. I admit I think I was still hungry after breakfast but I think I really need to try this eating plan to get a good understanding of when I'm actually hungry and when my body is just tricking me.  After my week of binging and falling off the wagon I think it is a good idea to eat a little less and feel a bit hungry to shrink my stomach back to a normal size. Also I have been having issues with acne lately so hopefully getting my diet back into check will help because I know it definitely can't hurt. I love it how I can write this now but on Sunday, I was so against it because I really didn't want to stop eating what I wanted.  

I'm going to keep this blog up to document my progress because I want this to work and I need all the support I can get. Even if no one is actually reading this, putting it out to the world does make me feel that little bit more accountable. No blaming others any more its up to me to change my habits :)