boo hiss

I didn’t stop myself again. I never believe it will affect me the next day even though it keeps happening again and again. All I’m trying to do is make it 2 weeks now without straying from my food plan and people leave freaking tim tams in the kitchen! How is it that I can’t possibly just say to myself you know what you don’t need those tim tams let other people enjoy them. Maybe I should really try to think of it that way because if there’s something I hate more than my compulsive eating it’s hurting someone else.

I don’t know how to explain to sam that I am trying because he gets so disappointed and looks at me like I’m an idiot because I can’t just not do it. I know I can I just have to not be around I for a while and I can get back into saying no but right now I feel drawn to the food. I had such a good feeling about today, and I know I went wrong when I let myself have some freaking cheese that wasn’t on my list. And to top it all off even though I am full and my belt is feeling incredibly tight, I’ve started imagining eating bowls of muesli. Seriously how did I not think I was a bloody weirdo when I was doing this before I came to my realisation. I would plan my binges and get giddy and excited to go home past the woollies and pick up packets of cookies and cake. I have to admit I can’t imagine being able to finish a frozen cheesecake anymore or massive pieces of mud cake and ice cream and part of me is a little sad about it. If that is not an insane thought I don’t know what is.

I’m so worried about what he’s going to say and as soon as I do it I wish I could take it back, for about 5 minutes then I’m pretty much running to the kitchen to get another one. I am not feeling bad about myself when I’m doing it but I’m definitely doing it to hide from stress and anxiety. It has made me so unproductive today because I can’t think straight or keep my mind off food. I was hoping writing this would help get it out of my system or at least give me something to look back on so I can see how I’m feeling when I’m right in the food. My head feels like dizzy or high or something and I’m actually shaking and I just want to sleep. Maybe I’m coming down from the sugar.

I was trying to think about what led me to binge on Tuesday night and I think it might have had something to do with me making a shit tasting pumpkin soup. I know didn’t really care about it but I still felt like a failure because I can’t cook, granted I didn’t follow a recipe but I guess this is just another one of those times where I wanted to just be good at something without even trying. I don’t know why that to me feels like more of an accomplishment if you are naturally good at something then if you try really hard. I guess anyone can try to do something but the way I’ve always seen it is if you are naturally good at something you are more special. Today, I’m trying to see what triggered me to eat the food, I think it was just the fact that it was free that I wanted it. I act like I’ll never eat this food again, like I’m worried that I’ll never have the opportunity again to get a free bloody tim tam. They are $2 freaking dollars. Maybe I should try only eating things that I buy, not eating anything anyone offers me ever. That probably would work because generally people offer unhealthy food.

So So So not happy with myself and the way I acted today, and to top it off it didn’t help me concentrate, it didn’t help me get my work done. It just distracted me from doing what was actually necessary because I was finding it hard. Now I’ve set myself up to disappoint people and I’m going into a massive depressive circle. I don’t want to tell Sam I’m sad about it because he doesn’t think I’m doing anything about it. I am trying but theres no way to convince him because I keep fucking up. I don’t know what to do. I want to go home and sleep but he’ll be there and I’ll feel even worse. I hate this.