Starting over

I overate this morning. My planned bowl of muesli with yoghurt and strawberries turned into 3... I fucking hate that I don't have the control. Yesterday me and my boyfriend had a massive intense talk about all this and  I was so motivated to prove that I can control myself because I want to be normal so badly.

I decided that today I was going to do it I was going to not lose control so that I can show that I am able to. The chat yesterday started because I wanted Sam to leave me alone and stop worrying about my food because I honestly thought thats why I have been lying. I thought it was because I didn't want to disapoint him, but logically if I didn't want to disapoint him so much I wouldn't eat the fucking food. After this morning though, I'm so scared to tell him because I don't want him to get frusterated because we only just had our big chat. I overate because he was still asleep so I knew there was no way he would be getting up to find me and if he did I thought he would just assume it was my first. I really really need to top relying on him to make me stop eating. 

I somehow convinced myself this morning that I was still hungry through the fact that I didn't feel full therefore I should be able to eat until I feel it in my tummy. Now that I"ve done it I feel sick and want to purge not because I feel too guilty but just because there is too much food in my belly.

Fuck I need help and I really need to stop denying that I'm powerless over food and that my life has become unmanageable.

I'm going to look after myself for the rest of today and make the right choices. I'll be with friends that know about my food issues so that will make my decisions a hell of a lot easier and I'm going to an OA meeting tonight. 

I need this recovery, I'm over this.