being happy

So I made it 12 days which is pretty amazing... it was a struggle to start and had a couple of sketchy starts. I followed my plan for like 4 days initially, then I had a little bit extra then what was on my plan, then I had 5 days or so before i fell off the plan again. And now, I had an awesome streak where I went 12 days on the plan and making a concious effort to be happy and calm. But today I had to deal with some stuff at work that I was avoiding because it was kind of put in the too hard basket. So my silly brain reverted back to it's old habit of eating mindlessly when I'm nervous or stressed. And it' all about the first compulsive bite that I took this morning that led me down the self destructive path of compulsively eating. I think I need to keep the OA pamphlet, "before you take the first compulsive bite..." handy at all times. It goes through a number of ways to prevent the first compulsive bite which I know all about when I'm in a sane state of mind, but once the anxiety takes over I need someone to slap me and snap me out of it.

The OA pamphlet has the following points to help me out and possibly help out some other people,


When confronted with the urge to eat compulsively, we find it helpful to consider the following points before taking that first compulsive bite.

1. Look beyond the initial pleasure of eating to the inevitable feelings of physical discomfort, self-recrimination and hopelessness. Many OA members refer to this practice as “thinking the bite through.” 

2. Be grateful that you have found OA and no longer need to use food to solve your problems.

3. Don’t be surprised by a desire to eat compulsively. Even after being abstinent for a period of time, you may find that your overactive imagination tempts you with sudden impulses to restrict or eat compulsively, feeling you will be free from the inevitable destructive consequences. 

As disturbing as these cravings and feelings are, you do not have to act on them.

4. Always remember: each time you face a situation without restricting, purging or compulsive overeating, you strengthen your spiritual connection to your Higher Power, making the next challenge easier. 

5. Regardless of how upset you are, or how intense the desire to eat may be, you can take specific actions to offset an inappropriate desire for food, such as praying, calling an OA friend or writing about it.

6. Avoid self-pity! You may never be able to eat like a “normal” person. However, by following the OA program you can learn a way of living that addresses your shortcomings and helps you become the person you were meant to be.

7. Don’t dwell on any real or imagined pleasure you once got from certain foods. “Change the channel!”



8. Don’t believe the lie that food will make a bad situation better or easier to live with. Compulsively over- or undereating your way through a bad situation only creates more problems; remaining abstinent helps you think clearly and remain “in the solution.”

9. Remember all the people you’ve met in program who are helping you stay abstinent.

10. Seek out ways to help other compulsive eaters. Remember, the first and best way you can help others is to be abstinent yourself. “Those of us who live this program don’t simply carry the message; we are the message” (The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 106).

11. Remember that 
- each abstinent day brings with it honesty, integrity and accountability;
- each abstinent day is a gift worth going to any length to experience; and
- a decision to be abstinent today will enable you to overcome fears of not getting enough food, attention or love.

12. Cultivate a helpful association of ideas:
- Abstinence leads to being happy, joyous and free; taking that first compulsive bite brings back shame and remorse. 
- Abstinence leads to self-respect and peace of mind; taking that first compulsive bite activates the disease, leading to cravings and food obsession.

13. Cultivate gratitude that
- refraining from one small bite can dramatically change your outlook on life;
- you are no longer alone—you have found OA and a Fellowship of people who truly understand and want to help you;
- you have an illness, not a moral shortcoming, and your disease can be arrested one day at a time, simply by not taking that first compulsive bite; 
- abstaining from compulsive overeating can help reverse the devastating effects of this disease on mind, body and spirit; and
- you no longer need to use food for comfort; in time, you will learn to accept life on life’s terms without the need to chase food for pleasure.

14. Think again and again about the joyful aspects of abstinence, such as the return of balance to mind and body; the growing sense of appreciation and gratitude for even the smallest aspects of a new life; and the ability to face life’s challenges with peace of mind, self-respect and an open heart.

15. Remind yourself that when your heart is heavy, your resistance is low or your mind is troubled and confused, you will find comfort in the Fellowship of Overeaters Anonymous.

It sounds so foreign when I say it but I feel like this was definitely a form of self harm. When I was younger I went through quite a dark phase where I considered suicide and would cut myself and today it kind of felt like I was back there however in not such a brutal way. I had already eaten myself past the point of being full and yet was still considering going to buy a packet of cookies. I know for a fact that it wouldn't have been to enjoy the taste because I was so full that I was in pain but somehow the thought of doing this was still appealing to me.  I do know I tried to do the first point today but it really didn't help as it wasn't the pleasure I was looking for, it was more of an escape...

So my plan of action for next time this happens, and I can feel it coming on... (deep down I think I knew I was going to do it yesterday because I was already starting to feel sad and sorry for myself as well as "reading" peoples minds...) I will give myself a break from what I'm doing and go through these points, one by one.

Me and Sam have also decided I should have a treat day once I've stuck to my plan for a while however it's going to be at his discretion so as to stop me thinking about it and planning... I like that idea because pat of me will feel like I'm being spoilt but a little part of me keeps telling me that I'll never be god enough so we'll never go to dinner or have desert. Which scares me because I will then start thinking, What's the use? But of course that's just my crazy mind *ucking with my shi*

Alrighty, I'm falling asleep as usual so I'm out